Should It Be Your Desire
by Kione Rynnilden
Summary: Life is hard, but you cope and move on. You rely on the people close to you to help support you through, and in turn do the same for them. A couple is in love within this story, but one no longer has the will to move on. This is a tale of one being's struggle to save another life from itself. M/Human x F/Audino, short lemon fiction. Story will likely end at about 10-12k words.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

**Alright, I'm going to try not to waste your time. Here are the facts:**

**1) I'm back posting because I think I found a way around FFn censorship of lemons.**

**2) This story is extremely personal to myself and my experiences. No character was expressly created to represent either me or anyone in, or no longer in my life - rather they are vessels which I use to convey the emotions and thoughts that harassed me for the past two years.**

**3) Lemon (explicit content) is entirely optional in this story. You can skip it and not miss anything plot wise, and you'll see more details about this later.**

**4) I will not read guest reviews and delete them the minute I get them. Why? Because I want to thank you for taking the time to write something for me, and ask you clarifying questions if you leave me critique. **

**That'll be it for now. Enjoy.**

Should It Be Your Desire

"D-Dammit! Damn it all!" Came a choked voice from down an unlit hallway. A man stumbled out of the darkness upon unsteady feet, and with a free hand supported his limp body on the frame of the corridor entrance. The sound of lungs drawing in a ragged, stinted breath preceded his ungraceful entry into the living room of the single story house in which he lived. Pulling the hand that was pressed to his forehead away, he shuffled across the thin carpet on to the smooth tiles of the adjoining kitchen. With his forearms holding his body steady against the cool metal of the refrigerator door, the man squeezed his eyes shut tightly and ground his teeth.

"No... no, no, NO!" He exclaimed, declaring every objection with a pound of his white-knuckled fist. Whipping his body around he shouted a punctual "fuck" that reverberated in his eardrums as he stormed into the living room. He wrought and twisted his hands almost past his threshold of pain as he pivoted on the heel of his foot in a frantic pace back and forth.

"You _really _think that's the answer?!" He hollered back into the corridor, grabbing a DVD case off the floor. "Do you think that's it? Because it's _not_!" He howled, throwing the case as far as he could into the corridor where it sounded with a loud 'crack'. Both hands were cupped over his face now as he took heavy steps towards the couch and collapsed down upon it. He muttered with a somewhat desperate tone mingled with disbelief as he shifted about, eventually coming to a rest with the side of his head supported by a well padded armrest.

As scrambled as his mind was, one thought kept driving circuits endlessly. _"__How __could __she __even __think __of __something __like __that__?" _The question arose over and over and never gave him a moment of peace as he held back bitter tears. He wasn't going to cry, he wouldn't let himself cry. That wouldn't be right for him, a grown man of twenty-two, to fall victim to.

"_Don__'__t __cry__, __don__'__t __cry__, __don__'__t __cry__." _He mentally commanded himself, biting the inside of his lip as he did so.

"_Don__'__t__... __cry__..."_

* * *

"Baby."

"Try again, Adam."

"Wimpy little baby."

"Last chance before I call your parents and send you to Mrs. Crechton's office."

A boy not much older than ten turned his head to look up at his teacher. Wrinkling his nose slightly, he turned to stare at the boy that stood sniffling in front of him.

"Sorry... Lee-_yam_," he said with little hint of sincerity. Even so, the social convention was complete and enough to satisfy the teacher. After lightly chiding the boy she let him leave the small, padded gym to the cafeteria, leaving her alone with a runny-nosed child. She checked her watch briefly before she knelt down and placed her hands on the boy's shoulders.

"Do you need me to take you to the nurse? I'm sorry about Adam... growing boy like you with a strong arm. At least it was only a dodgeball."

The boy's chin bobbed down for just a moment, but then switched to a slow shake side to side.

"Hmm. Alright go eat lunch and let me know if you feel funny or get a headache. Okay? See you back in the classroom." Standing up, she gave his shoulder a sympathetic squeeze before making her way to the staff lunchroom.

The boy wiped his nose upon his sleeve and made his way to the cafeteria, only stopping once at a nearby bathroom to snatch a few lengths of toilet paper from the stalls. The cafeteria was stuffy, crowded and smelled strongly of casserole and cinnamon rolls. Grabbing a lunch tray with a moderate serving slopped on it, he sat down at the long table assigned to his class. No one was seated across the table from him, nor to his sides. His few friends were most likely already done scarfing down their food and playing outside under the sun.

"Loser."

After only a few bites of cheap food, a surprising force knocked his head forward enough to elicit a small grunt. Snapping his neck to the side, he watched Adam walk past with his hand in the shape of backwards 'L' on his forward. Despite it being the wrong hand, the message got through just fine.

He sat quietly, dropping his plastic fork on top of his food. He wasn't all that surprised by what just happened. Adam was a jerk to everyone and it was just his dumb luck to be in the warpath that day. Although it did happen more often to _him _specifically than he would have liked. The incident with the dodgeball was about as much of an accident as the bap on the head he had just received. He did not tell his teacher that Adam had discreetly noted he was going to aim for his head before the game began.

Any other day he would have just shrugged off the attacks. It wasn't difficult to do; he'd done it many times before. He knew going on with the day would be as easy as forcing a smile until the tears left, finishing his food and seeking safety under the sun's rays among friendly company. But he didn't feel like just ignoring it that day. Maybe it had to do with the impact addling his brain or perhaps it was all just a whim, but he didn't want to do anything else in school that day. He didn't want to go to recess, he didn't want to go to the nurse's office, class or even home. There was one place he wanted to go, and it was to hide.

These were the images and thoughts that stabbed at him as he cried alone in the remote foliage and tall grass of the Striaton city gardens.

He didn't know how long he'd sought refuge in the gardens. Half an hour, an hour, probably no more than two. The toilet paper he had stuffed in his pockets earlier was in a crumpled, soggy mess in front of him and his tears had mostly run dry by then. And what for? Not much. He was still upset, conflicted and hungry - no improvement made there. A part of him wanted to lie down on the ground and keep feeling miserable, the other figured he should go home before mass hysteria really set in with the school officials and his parents. Yet _another _strongly wanted to return to school and deck out Adam right as the last bell rang.

Ultimately he chose the path of least resistance and let his head rest upon the ground in broken defeat. Lost in his misery, all was silent for a while. Then, for the third time that day, he was struck in the head. Several times.

He sat up with a racing heart when he felt his skull being drummed upon. His eyes came to focus on a pudgy little pink and cream Pokémon.

"Hey. What's wrong with you?" Asked the Audino rather matter of factly, reaching a paw out to tap him on the head a few more times. Catching its paw in the middle of a tap, he pushed it to the side rather roughly and turned away.

"Why would I tell you?" He responded. "Go away."

"Because I asked?" The Audino tapped him a few more times before being shunted off again.

"Don't you have something better to do? I said go away!"

"_I__'__m_ the one who should be asking that. It's not everyday one of you people come into our part of the gardens, so since you happen to be my 'guest': start talking or leave."

The boy was somewhat taken aback by how direct the creature was in front of him. Compared to other meek Pokémon he had encountered in the gardens, this one wasn't scared to get close and talk. Most would just leave him alone or scurry away in fear. He shuffled uncomfortably where he sat before speaking.

"I... I'm not sure what's wrong."

The Audino seemed a little disappointed and let out a sigh to show this.

"Fine, hold still."

He did not move as it came close to him, leaned its head forward and pressed one of the little curls under its ears to his chest. He took shallow breaths and stared at the top of its head without moving or making a sound.

"Is that so," said the Audino, breaking the silence as it withdrew its head.

"What's so?"

"How you think no one's on your side. That and how you wish you weren't such a crybaby. I agree, it sucks talking to crybabies you know?"

"Hey that's not true cause I've got people on my side. But..." he said, lowering his voice, "how did you know that last part?"

"These thingies," it replied, lifting a hand to show off one of the curls. "I'm not very good at using them though, but I can definitely tell you're a crybaby. Heh, I can even tell without using them. C'mon and talk to me. Tell me why you're sad and why you're such a loser."

The boy stiffened indignantly at the Pokémons last comment.

"Hey you've got it a little backwards here. No, totally upside down. I'm not a loser. I'm a loser cause I cry a lot - no wait I'm not a loser!" He attempted to explain, hot embarrassment washing over his face as the Audino laughed at his verbal slip.

"Oh reeeally? Here let me have a go at you again and we'll see what you really think."

"Don't touch me! I don't think I'm a failure and I came here because I wanted to."

"Oh you're a failure too?"

"No!"

"Then what're you doing here watering the plants all by yourself for?"

"I'm not here to water the plants!" shouted the misty-eyed boy, "I'm here because yes, I'm a stupid little loser!" And with that, he hugged his knees and hid his face behind them.

Not a sound passed between either set of lips for a few seconds. Then the boy felt two soft hands pat the top of his head and rub gently.

"Umm... my name's Tirian."

"L-Liam..." He said with a slight croak, lifting his eyelines above his kneecaps.

"Do you want to talk about this? For real now? Clear out whatever's bothering you up there and maybe I can help put some pieces together for you. At least I can try."

The little boy was taken aback by this. Why was this Audino interested in him? It had to be some sort of cruel trick or practical joke, and at that thought he bit his lip and turned his head away. He decided to ignore the Audino until it left - it had to get bored _eventually_. But even so, his will wavered. He didn't really want the strange little Pokémon to go, in fact he desperately wanted it to stay. He had always wanted someone to talk to, but no one was perfect or he figured would just laugh at him if he tried.

But this wasn't a person. He knew nothing about the Audino, and the Audino knew nothing about it. It was a clean slate on both sides and for all he knew, the two would never meet again. Slowly, his lips moved without his consent.

"What do you want to know?"

The Audino moved and seated itself next to him, pressing its warm, creamy colored fur against his side - a comfort that the school boy would often seek for years to come.

"Anything."

* * *

Although they spent little time together on that first evening, Liam knew as he ran home to his panicked parents in the early evening that he had made a friend. Someone who was willing to listen to his problems, and for some reason made speaking his mind such an easy thing. As he lay in bed that night, he already began devise ways to meet Tirian again.

To him, the next day at school just couldn't pass fast enough. The scolding he received from his principal and teacher barely even bothered him, and nothing got him down that day. Not even Adam. The minute the final bell rang, he dashed down towards the Striaton gardens to search for his friend. It was not long before he found the Audino, and almost every day after that he was off the beaten road of the garden playing with or seeking emotional support from Tirian.

The Audino seemed to enjoy his company just as much as he did hers. She admitted that when she first saw Liam, her intention was to mock him a bit and then run away. It seemed like a quick way to get a laugh out of an otherwise uneventful day. Learn about his problems, get him to reveal embarrassing little snippets and then turn his words around to spite him. What she didn't expect was getting deeply in touch with the very things she intended to use against him for cruel fun, and finding out she didn't have the heart to go through.

And that was how it was - Liam would wait all day to get out of school to meet Tirian, and Tirian would spend her day waiting for Liam to come find her. Thus it was no surprise that before long the two were best of friends.

Almost a month later Liam had saved up enough money for a single ball, and after bringing her home the two were as happy as could be. Liam continued with his schooling, and Tirian had the luck to be accepted at the local Pokémon Center as an assistant, but other than that nothing significant changed about their relationship. They still spent each day waiting to drop all else and run to each other.

Years went by in this fashion, and with it came changes in both of their lives. Liam graduated high school and with help from his parents moved out of home. He found odd jobs for a time before settling into a comfortable enough job stocking shelves at the local trainer's market. Tirian on the other hand achieved a greater degree of success and become a fairly well known healer among her colleagues throughout Unova.

The most significant change was within their minds. Little hints here and there, gazes held too long, hours spent pouring out the troubles of their souls, an unusually cold night in autumn spent under the covers together... Neither really thought much of how it happened because that was really it - it just happened.

They fell in love.

Those were happy times. He lived a decent enough life, earned a fairly decent income and could afford decent food and shelter. Above all, he had Tirian. As for her, she seemed pleased with life and held its reins tightly as evidenced by her ever-growing prestige as a healer in Unova. But her greatest joy, albeit one shrouded in secrecy, was that of having Liam...

As these old, faded memories rippled through his mind, Liam said nothing. He pulled as much comfort as he could from them and wondered how in the space of half a year so much good could go so, so wrong. Pulling himself up from his position on the couch he rested his back into the couch and tilted his closed eyes to the ceiling.

"Everything was so wonderful..." he uttered quietly to no one in particular. "Why'd it have to turn out like this..."

He angrily wiped away a few stray tears that escaped his control and began to guide his thoughts in a different direction; one that wasn't so comforting. After licking his almost-chapped lips and swallowing a lump in his throat, he lost himself in another chain of memories, and thus began the task of following it link by link to the end.

* * *

"Hey Liam, there's a call for you up front! Get your ass up here!"

"Yeah I'll be there in a sec."

Pushing a few more cardboard boxes into their place on a shelf, Liam put his arms in the air, stretched and yawned as he headed for the storage room exit. It was the first time he'd gotten a phone call while at work at the trainer's market, and the sudden intrusion into his isolated part of the building came as a small surprise. Nevertheless, he was happy to have a few minutes away from cataloguing shipments and taking stock for the store.

The store wasn't too crowded; a few trainers were here and there in between shelves picking out supplies or just looking around for who knew what.

"I got it, thanks," said Liam, taking hold of a sleek, silver bodied telephone from the grasp of his co-worker.

"Don't take too long or the boss'll get pissed," the worker responded, taking a few steps away while flashing a fist of five outstretched fingers.

"I know, I know... 'Sup, this is Liam."

A female voice came across the line.

"Hello Liam, this is Nurse Joy. I'm calling from the Striaton City Pokémon Center, and this is about Tirian. You are her owner, yes?"

"That works. Sure, I'm her 'owner'. What can I do for you?"

"Well there's been a small incident today. Don't worry though, Tirian is alright. She's just a little shaken up and I think it might be best if she went home for the day."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Well you know what we do here - fix up poor Pokémon that get hurt to the best of our ability. Sometimes that just doesn't work out and as a result we lose a patient."

"Is that so. Well I'm sorry to hear that," said Liam calmly, his eyes scanning the time off a digital clock on the far wall from where he stood. "She had it rough today huh?"

"That would be the best way to say it. As practitioners of medicine we need to accept that sometimes situations that are beyond our control arise," remarked Nurse Joy professionally but with an air of her signature sympathy. "We learn, we remember and do our best to not let our ability to aid those that we _can _aid be compromised. This is Tirian's first loss and is no doubt taking a toll on her, especially since she prides herself in being one of the best healers in all of Unova."

"Of course... course it would," mumbled Liam, signalling to his boss, who happened to pass by then, that he would only need a few moments to finish his call. "I'll be there soon Joy, thanks for letting me know."

Hanging up the phone he let out a small sigh of disappointment. His relationship with his boss wasn't the best and the last thing he needed was to suddenly drop out of his shift. Still, his concern for Tirian trumped all else and he caught up to his manager and tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

Ten minutes later and he found himself walking into the chemical smokehouse that was the Pokémon Center lobby. Trainers and Pokémon were scattered on the couches or at the front desk, some looked calm and others looked worried. He imagined one of the poor trainers in the lobby might be the one who lost a companion that day.

Almost as soon as he had reached the desk, a set of double doors opened off to the side and out came Nurse Joy and Tirian. The young doctor held one of the Audino's paws and tenderly led her forward. Liam stood stock-still for a moment as he was rather unsure of how to react at that time. Sizing up his partner, he noticed her body was trembling and her eyes seemed hazy and unfocused on the ground in front of her feet.

"Tirian, you alright?"

"Ah. You must be Liam," spoke up the red-haired nurse. Although her voice was not exactly 'cheery' by any standard definition, it did have small undertones of optimism despite the hardships of her career. "She'll be alright. Take her home and let her rest for as long as she needs, and she's free to come back whenever she's ready."

"Yeah, no problem. Thank you very much," said Liam, slipping his hand around that of his friend's and guiding her towards the exit. "Uh, c'mon... let's go home Tiri."

On the quiet amble home the Audino's dejected eyes never left the ground, and after arriving home she made straight for her room and closed the door to it behind her with a soft click. She never said a word or made a sound. Running a hand through his messy, dirty-blond hair, Liam turned away from the room he was just denied entry and stepped into his own room. He decided she needed some time alone and his words of comfort could wait for just a little while.

Looking back, Liam realized Nurse Joy had sugarcoated the impact the event had on Tirian. It sounded like one of those 'another day at work' sort of deals, and as unfortunate as it was it was something that was going to happen at least once in her career anyway. A few days, maybe a week at most and she would probably be right as rain.

A few silent teardrops ran down the crook of Liam's nose as he recalled all this, opening his blurred eyes to stare at the blank, dark ceiling. He regretted much in his life, but not doing more to help Tirian was his greatest failure. Then again, he mentally consoled himself, who would have imagined that in a month she would lose another patient. And who could possibly have seen that soon after that yet another would be at the gates of heaven.

Finally, the last thing he ever expected was the second phone call.

The second time it happened, he was at work again. Although by then he had been 'promoted' to night shift and was no longer isolated in the lonely room in the back. He wasn't one to argue with higher pay, though, and spent the hours of free time he had each night making inquiries to different people about ways he could return to school for a higher education. Perhaps as a doctor so he could work with Tirian, but that was somewhat wishful thinking.

When the call arrived, it came as a shock. First in the way of a high, sharp tone of a digital ring, which snapped him out of the empty trance his mind often wandered into during the midnight hours, second when he knew who was calling.

"Joy? Bit late to b-... what? Oh. Oh no... Is she alright? Well fuck, did you call up Officer Jenny? ...yeah I figured you'd have her on speed dial or something like that. Okay, I'm on my way."

Putting the phone down on to the receiver rather harshly, Liam grabbed a pen and scrawled a quick note which he left on the cashier for whoever was coming after his shift. Grabbing his coat off the rack in the back he pulled it on as he quickly made his way out the door and into the wet, cold world outside. He cringed at the thought of how badly his manager would reprimand him for leaving the store unattended, maybe fire him, but it bothered him as much as the sparse drops of rain that fell upon his brow. That is to say, not much at all.

When he arrived at the clinic, Officer Jenny's motorcycle was parked at the curb right outside. Looking through the glass doors into the building, he could see her talking to Nurse Joy. Everything seemed calm enough until the doors slid apart and let loose a wall of warm air and frightening sound.

"YOU COCKSUCKING LITTLE BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KI-!"

A bright flash of light followed by crashing cymbals of static silenced the manic shouts of a man who lay restrained on the floor. His body convulsed and a long gurgle came from his throat as the paralyzing current sent through his body by a uniformed Jolteon coursed through his nerves.

"Sir this is your last warning! One more outburst and my partner _will _render you unconscious for the rest of the night. Can it!" commanded the officer, nodding to her Jolteon. There was no response from the incapacitated man on the ground.

His feet cemented into the ground in front of the entrance, Liam forced his eyes away from the madman at his feet and towards Jenny and Joy. Jenny seemed genuinely irritated as she roughly pulled out a pen and jammed the tip into a notepad held by her other hand. Her sister Joy had a rather blank look in comparison, and stared silently down at the man as she caressed a Pokémon who held her dress tightly. It was Tirian.

"Tiri!" exclaimed Liam, quickly sidestepping past nearby onlookers to reach her. Her face emerged from the bell of Joy's skirt to reveal crystal eyes marred by tears. Her lower left cheekbone was covered by a small, square of gauze held in place by something similar to surgical tape. She was hesitant to move and stayed where she was until Liam dropped to his knees next to her.

"Oh Arceus, Arceus... what happened?" asked Liam as the Audino rapidly threw her arms around his neck and pressed her eyes into the shelf that was his shoulder and head. He felt hot tears soak into the fabric of his clothing and held her tightly as she sobbed.

"I failed... I failed I failed I failed!" repeated the Audino over and over, each time with more distress in her voice until finally she stopped speaking altogether and gave her whole body over to the motions of despair.

"You're... damn right you did." Came a somewhat raspy voice. It was the man on the floor, and he was beginning to pull himself up to his knees. "You're supposed to be the best in Unova, and you let him die. You let my best friend die, and he _trusted_you! _I_trusted you! You were supposed to save him!" the man said as sorrow ran in rivers down his cheeks.

"It wasn't _her _fault, " snapped Nurse Joy in the Audino's defense, "out of all the healers in Unova yes, she did have the best chance, but some wounds are too severe to remedy. You put your own Pokémon in danger as a trainer, so the fault lies only with _you_. You had no right to attack her!"

At this, the man physically crumped. His shoulders slumped downward and left his head dangling towards the floor as he wept bitterly. And then something began to change. Deep growls began to come forth from within his body; whalish groans that rapidly became louder and louder. Finally, something within the man snapped.

"I'LL KILL YOU AND HE'LL DRAG YOUR SOUL TO HELL!" He screamed, lunging forward with barbaric fervor. Liam was frozen in place yet again even though the man, restrained as he was, posed no real threat. A violent burst of electric energy laid waste to the man's nervous system in a brilliant arc of blue, and moments later the man was sprawled out on the floor and in the realm of oblivion.

"Sleep tight," muttered Officer Jenny, scrawling a few quick notes on her pad before stashing it away. "I need to deal with this schmuck - wait here for a bit while I take him down to the station."

"Take care," said Nurse Joy with a small nod. She flashed Liam a look of empathy before she went to deal with a few people at the front desk.

"He's right... I let him die, Liam, I couldn't save him. I couldn't save _them _either... I can't save _anyone_..." whimpered Tirian, hugging his neck for dear life.

Liam said nothing but continually stroked the back of her head with his hand. He felt uncomfortable as he knew many eyes were on the two of them. Before anyone could say a word, he spoke up:

"Let's go home."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**

**Oh dear, I'm back with an update. You'll notice this update is a lot smaller - mainly because I've seen that no one likes to read a gigantic update all at once, and I have little time to write due to school. And bouts of depression, but point is - this'll be around the size of all my updates from here on out. We've got a couple more updates to go before we put this story to rest, and I do hope you all enjoy this late, late update.**

******Oh and by the way, all of you here on FFn are my guinea pigs. FFn is my 'testing ground' so to speak, in the sense that I post my stories here first, see what the reviewers (or lack thereof) have to say, and polish the story up the best I can before posting them on other sites. So yes, I really would appreciate some constructive criticism and I know a lot of you people are just being quiet or shy. Heck, tell me I spelled something wrong or wrote an awkward sentence: I'd greatly appreciate it, and seriously - I don't bite reviewers.**

******Unless they bring cookies. **

* * *

Nothing was really the same after that day.

He had spent the first month comforting her as much as he could. He spoke to her much like they used to when they were together in the gardens and growing up, although this time it wasn't him with the problems that needed tending to. She almost never left the house, choosing to stay in her room or slump lifelessly on the couch. Often times when he slept during the night, she would find her way into his room to seek comfort under his sheets and in his arms - something he often remembered the other way around when he was young. Despite his best efforts, she was still in a state of despair at the end of the month.

Liam clutched his violin case tightly and took a deep breath of the night air. There was a little bit of wind to toss his loose hair, but the air was irritatingly dry and warm. He had spontaneously wandered outside as he reminisced bitterly, and did so because the calm of the late evening always helped soothe his troubles. If only a little. He stared out towards the edges of the city where the trees began and recalled that the hardest part of living life at the time was just going to work.

He had been given a shot at running the night shift cashier instead of working in the storeroom, and things were alright until the extent of Tirian's misery began to affect him as well. The entire reason he was sent back to his day job in the storeroom where no one could see him was because of one particular incident where he lost control of his emotions and exploded on a customer. Needless to say, it became harder and harder for him to function in day to day life as Tirian descended deeper and deeper into her pit. He often had trouble holding in his own tears in the months that followed when he heard her crying to herself at night - freely crying when she thought no one could hear her suffering.

Biting the inside of his cheek, he carefully, methodically undid the clasps that held his violin case shut.

His violin was a beautiful instrument - one that he had always loved and identified with. To him, it personified his cloudy pool of emotions. When he was happy, the violin would sing sweetly for him in an act of rejoice for all things good. When he was sad, the violin would mourn with him and weep softly. When he was angry, the violin was violent and impulsive: full of energy to scatter through the air.

Pressing the violin against his chin, he rested a bow atop a string but hesitated to draw it. He stood stock-still for a while, unsure what tune his violin would sing for him that night. Pushing his worries out the window, he gave life to the first, sorrowful note and thus bared his soul to the world.

* * *

"Come on, let me in."

There was silence.

"Please don't ignore me, it doesn't help either of us. Please?"

There was a faint rustle from behind the door, but it remained locked tight. Liam sighed and rested his forehead against the door. "I'm not leaving until you open the door. You haven't eaten in three days and that's not ok," he mumbled, shifting the grip his hand had on a plate of bread and fruit.

This time the creak of bedsprings sounded and the door opened slowly. The Audino stood with a paw on the knob and an exhausted look on her face, and she went to lie down on her bare bed again as he slipped into her room. Her sheets and pillow rested in a lump on the floor next to her bed. Her room was in disarray with little objects here and there all over the place, and her once prized nurse hat was still gathering dust in the corner of the room she threw it in almost half a year prior. Setting the small plate down on a table, Liam got down on his knees next to her bed.

"Tiri you gotta eat."

"I don't want to eat anything."

"But..." he began, but stopped not knowing what to say. He sighed deeply and took the Audino's paw in one of his. "I hate to see you like this... I want you to be happy again."

A dead, still silence followed.

"I don't deserve to be happy," she responded some time later, easing her paw out of his.

"That's a lie and you know it. No one deserves to be miserable like this," he retorted, halting her retreat with a more desperate grip.

"If I don't deserve misery, then I earned it."

"How many times do I have to say it? You didn't do anything wrong. _You_ weren't responsible for what happened to those Pokémon - even Nurse Joy said so. It's their trainers that deserve all the blame."

She responded immediately with, "I couldn't save them. I'm a _healer_: my _job_ is to save Pokémon and I failed them. It was their trainer's fault for putting them in harm's way, but it's my fault for not being able to undo it. There's no way around that."

"You need to forgive yourself and move on with life then. You are the _best_ healer in Unova - so many Pokémon out there need you. They're counting on you!"

"I'm not the best healer in Unova. The best don't make mistakes, and I've made too many. I have no right to forgive myself for what I've done."

"Look, you've trapped yourself in a cycle and it's running circles around you," he said, gently resting his head against her side. "You've gotta find the way out or you'll be here forever."

"I know that," she snapped unexpectedly, "but maybe I'm just done trying. Even if I do find the way out, what's in front of me anyway? Nothing but more stupid cycles and the same stuff over and over."

Taken rather aback, he lifted his head up and said, "I know it looks really bad right now. But that's what everyone in your place says. You can't see past the curtain, but you gotta trust it's worth the effort to pull it open."

Carefully pressing his hand against her cheek, he rubbed softly down to her neck and said, "...depression is a 'mental sickness'. It's a disease and you need to fight it off. I know you can fight it off if you try."

He regretted saying what he did when she reached up and roughly shoved his hand away.

"Would you like to offer a vaccine for your 'sick little girl' then?" she asked with a scowl. Furrowing his brow, Liam responded with:

"I'm sorry, but you know just as well as I do what that meant."

"Does it matter? Yeah it's a sickness. But from what I gather you're asking me to get up and help cure other Pokémon, and you just plain up ignore the fact that_ I can't even fix myself._"

"Yes you can. You _can_ do this. You just need to beli-"

_"No!"_ she exclaimed, sitting up straight with angry fire in her eyes. "I don't believe in myself, I shouldn't believe in myself and _you_ need to stop making me think I should!"

Liam stood up slowly, his own temper rapidly escalating. "Are you really going to get angry at _me_ for _believing_ in you? For _wanting_ you to live again? What happened to Tirian: the Audino that I came to as a child for help? The person that suppo-"

"That person doesn't exist anymore!" she answered angrily, cutting him off again.

By now the gloves were off on both sides and Liam let loose.

"No, she's still there - buried under a mountain of who the fuck knows what kind of stupid shit!"

He saw the Audino's lips move, but heard nothing and overpowered her voice with his.

"Listen to me - you need to get over this because it's been way too long. You're a shell of a person. I honestly can't say you're even _alive_ right now living the way you do! You know what? No amount of feeling sorry for yourself is going to bring back those Pokémon. You need to realize that _shit happens_ and that not everything is _your_ goddamn fault!"

"No, you don't get to tell me th-"

Now consumed by months of his own pent up rage and sorrow, the protests from Tirian were all but lost to him. He spewed out more and more words relentlessly - begging her, urging her, _demanding_ that she see reason and stop tormenting herself.

"You're not alive Tiri, you're _dead_. A restless ghost! You need to start over with a clean slate! _No one_ is holding you back from living life except _yourself_ so why not?" shouted Liam, his emotions erupting in a blaze.

And then, in a split second, the beast inside him was tamed and put to rest by a scream:

_"MAYBE BECAUSE I _WANT_ TO BE DEAD!"_

All that could be heard after that, was a deafening ring of silence and the pitiful sobs of a broken creature. He was left speechless.

"A-Ah, oh... Arceus... I-I'm sorry, Tiri. Oh Arceus I'm sorry," he stuttered, his gut convulsing with regret. "I take it all back, I don't know what happened. Please don't cry, please... be angry at me but don't cry... don't cry..."

"Everything you said is true._ Every last word_ of it is_ true_ and I can't escape that..." said the Audino, her paws pressing and twisting with despair against her eyelids.

"No! I overreacted! Those were lies and it's _my fault_, not yours. Please, please,_ please_ stop..."

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." she chanted endlessly to her inner demons, her sobs now muffled by a faceful of mattress.

It was a heartbreaking sight to witness, and it drove Liam to even more desperate lengths. Resting next to her, he wrapped his arms around her midsection and held her close.

"What are you being sorry for? There's nothing to be sorry about. Take it easy... c'mon now... Please just be mad at me. Tear me to pieces, not yourself. Please..."

"What do you know?" she answered, a tinge of contempt entering her voice. "What do you even know? Are these your paws?" She asked, forcing herself out of his embrace. Finding her feet, she slipped off the bed, turned to face him and then shoved her paws towards him.

"Did you fail three lives? Did you? _Did you?!_" She demanded, presenting the tips of her creamy paws with angry tears in her eyes and even more fervor. But this outburst left as rapidly as it came, the embers in her eyes going out without a trace.

"Do you have any idea how much... how much it hurts?" She asked, her voice barely a whimper as she hugged her paws to her heart.

"Tiri..."

Tears dripped down from her eyes in great droplets as she continued saying, "If I'm not dead now, then I'm dying. Day after day I can never get away from that miserable feeling that eats away at me from the inside out."

She paused and her eyes pointed to the floor. "I've tried. I don't want to feel like this... please believe me when I say that. It's like you say: I have an illness. A disease. And for all I'm worth, I can't find the cure."

"You'll find it!" he exclaimed suddenly, "_We'll_ find it someday, but you gotta stick it out until then!"

She shook her head with painful resolution. "I don't want to go on anymore. I wouldn't make it anyway, and I don't want anymore. No more, just no more..."

"No!" yelped Liam, scrambling off the bed. "You can't think straight right now so of course everything looks bad, but I'm here to guide you through. First thing tomorrow we go to see Dr. Pleck again and get you the help you need, okay?" He groaned angrily, grabbing a great fistful of his hair. "Graaah...why did I let you just stop seeing the guy, dammit!"

"He can't help me. Not anymore, and honestly, he never could help me."

"Tiri, I'll say it again: you're in no shape to be making the decisions," he said, throwing his arms around her neck. "You've got so much to live for, and just because you can't see it right now doesn't mean you need to throw it all away. I love you Tiri, I love you so much..."

Pressing his eyes against the Audino's shoulder, he wept as the hole in his gut grew fathoms deeper. Just at the moment when he felt that the damage he'd done was too much to fix, he felt warm arms slide down around his neck - Tirian's arms. He stood there crumpled on his knees for the longest time, whispering endless apologies and pleading for her to be alright.

But finally, it came to an end when she gently pulled herself away from the embrace. Putting her paws to Liam's cheeks, she tenderly lifted his eyes to level with hers. The Audino said nothing as she closed her eyes. Then, gently leaning forward, she parted his lips with hers. For a fleeting moment, the two found peace in the act - it was a consummation of their long, sorely tested devotion that had not been expressed in the longest time.

"I love you too," she said almost inaudibly, stepping away from him with her eyes still closed. When they opened, he could see them glistening in the low light of the room. "And I want you to know that because... I-I need you to forgive me for what I'm about to do."

"What are you go-" he began, feeling his throat clamp shut mid-sentence. He could almost feel his blood freezing when he saw the Audino, with tears dropping from her beautiful blue eyes, lift two glowing paws in front of herself. He felt his muscles contract without consent, and in silent horror he helplessly felt his own body stand itself up, turn around and take steps to the door.

"No! Stop!" he tried to shout, but his jaw would not move and only guttural sounds came from his throat. He struggled wildly, but he was unable to stop the Audino from forcing him out into the hallway - one devastating step at a time.

"Don't come back in here, please. It hurts me so much to do this, and I don't want to do it again," said the Audino with a tremble in her voice as he forced him to lock the door and grip the knob.

_"Tiri!"_ he mentally screamed he was slowly compelled to close the door. He felt his heart rip itself to shreds as he watched the Audino's entire body shudder, her face twisted in a mix of concentration and sorrow.

"I wasn't born to live a long life. Not everyone is, Liam... but I've loved every minute of being with you, and it's made living through the good and the bad worthwhile... it'll be all over soon, and I'll be at peace. Then... you can move on without being held back by me, because_ I_ hate to see you miserable. Please don't come back... if I see your face again I... I won't be strong enough to do this."

"NO!" he screamed, breaking through just enough of her psychic hold to do so. When only a sliver of the door was left to be closed, he heard one last, guilt-ridden exclamation:

_"I love you, Liam!_

And with that: the door clicked shut, Liam felt control of his body return, and Tiri's muffled sobs could be heard on the other side.

Left alone in a pitch-black hallway, he said nothing and stared at the carpet. And then his body began to shudder, shake, and ultimately - something in his mind fell off a shelf and shattered.

_"D-Dammit! Damn it all!"_


	3. Chapter 3

The world was quiet once more.

Liam crouched on his knees, his violin set down in front of him and the bow cast away a meter or so in front of him. He took deep breaths with eyes shut tightly and hands clenched into fists that rested atop his thighs.

"_What do I do?" _He thought to himself helplessly as he collapsed onto all fours. Rolling onto his back, he lay on the grass and stared at the sky. His mind was blank save the pain of emotions that ran rampant. The only thing that he knew at the moment was that he was miserable; it didn't matter what the reasons were, he just was and that's what mattered.

"_She'll be gone soon if I don't do something..." _He thought as he drew his old cellphone out of his pocket. Dialing in the emergency number he prepared to call for help, but moments before he pushed the button: he stopped.

"_If I call... they'll save her. They'll keep her alive... but then what? They'll take her away from me. Lock her up in some padded box, pump her full of drugs, keep her suffering..."_

Snapping his phone shut, he threw it off to the side.

"_I can't do that. I can't make Tiri suffer like that just because I don't want her to die. But if not the police, what do I do?"_

He released a breath of air that had grown stale in his lungs and fed his mind with fresh air.

"_What went wrong? Why can't you move on? Don't you see this is tearing your life apart? I mean, look at what's happened! You were so full of life, so beautiful in spirit... And it's all gone away because you can't accept that those deaths weren't your fault - that things like that happen."_

He lamented silently, tearing a few blades of grass up with his fingers.

"_But then again, who am I to say what you should feel. I guess. Maybe it's just something I'll never hope to understand that causes you so much pain. I wish I could know, Arceus, I wish I could... why does suicide have to be the answer though?! As much as life may hurt, how would killing yourself make anything better? Removing yourself from the world rights no wrongs. Ultimately it isn't you that's hurt, it's all the living creatures in the world. Once you leave, all the people you could have changed will never know you. All the people you influenced will have lost the source. All the people that loved you..."_

His gut wrenched at the last thought.

"_Will never know the comfort of your words, the brilliance of your mind, the warmth of your heart..."_

He could see the sky was dark and the moon divided perfectly in two. There were a few stars here and there, and it pained him to imagine that she might soon be among them.

"_Was there anything I could have done? Before you decided it was too late? Or maybe... was it because I did something wrong? Did I not give you enough love? Did I fail to figure out what'd make your world round again? I'd give anything to know what I could've done, and just as much to know if I still can now. Is there anything I can do to change your mind? Someone, please tell me... anyone..."_

He dug the tips of his fingers deep into the dirt.

"_Who am I kidding though. I just can't accept... no, I don't want to accept there's nothing else I can do. Short of put you in a hospital and keep you 'alive' and in forced suffering. I... could never forgive myself for doing that. But at the same time, could you think of me, Tiri? What you'll do to me if you go? My life is in your paws: all I can see in front of me or behind me is you. Where will I go if you aren't going with me?"_

He squirmed uncomfortably as ghostly words came back to howl in his ears.

"_Do you have any idea how much... how much it hurts?"_

"_MAYBE BECAUSE I _WANT _TO BE DEAD!"_

"_I love you, Liam!"_

These memories and more pounded on his eardrums, and all throughout he could swear he heard the sound of that high, sharp digital phone ring he had come to develop a borderline phobia of.

"I couldn't move on without you. I can't and _I don't want to,_" he whispered, rolling onto his side and hugging his arms to his chest.

He stayed in that position for a while, laying in a well of his own despair. Some time later when the first chill of the night set in, he pulled himself up to a crumpled sitting position. Pushing himself up off the ground with one hand while he rubbed his eyes with the other, he slowly gathered his things and stepped back inside.

Without so much as a thought to why, he tossed his cellphone onto the kitchen counter and chucked his violin case at the couch. He stood hunched over, palms down on the cool granite of his kitchen counter feeling sorry for himself until he thought to get a cup of water. His throat felt like it'd swallowed gravel.

As he downed his second cup of tap water, he noticed something was wrong - something so horrifying he thought his heart stopped.

He had used a knife to cut Tiri's fruits and left it on the counter when he went to her room. The horror - the deep, cold terror that sliced into his soul? It lay in the fact that the knife was no longer there.

"Tiri!" he screamed, dropping his cup into the sink where it shattered loudly. He did not care or notice as he was already running before the sound of crashing glass reached his ears.

He pounded on her door and shouted as loud as he could, yelling for her to leave the knife and open the door. He bashed the door until he was sure his hands were bruised and even then he was prepared to go on until his bones broke.

"Tiri, no! Put it down and open the door! You can't do this!"

Halting his assault for a moment, he pressed his ear to the side of the door: nothing.

Letting out a moan of utter terror he backed up and prepared to kick the door down, but stumbled and hit the floor hard. Then all of a sudden, he stopped moving. All his impulses stopped driving him forward, and he lay there broken up on the floor. As loudly as his heart pounded in his ears, he could tell for certain that nothing stirred on the other side of the door.

In that brief moment his perception of time stopped.

"T-Tiri?" he croaked. Silence.

"Tiri?" he called once more with more strength.

There was no response.

"Answer me... please!" he begged, heartfelt pain bleeding from his voice as he stretched out a hand to touch the door. Five seconds, ten seconds, a minute, five minutes... nothing.

Liam didn't cry. For some strange reason, it was the furthest thing on his mind at that moment. Not that his heart _wasn't _crushed, not that his mind _wasn't _shattered, or that his soul _wasn't _left bare - no, he certainly wasn't alright and he knew it. But not a tear slid down his cheek, and the tears that were there earlier quickly disappeared. Picking himself off the floor yet again he sat cross legged in front of the Audino's room, head hung in defeat and hands limp in his lap. That was all he could muster the energy... the _spirit _to do.

"Is that the way it goes?" he asked quietly. "That's the story?"

His pale, olive irises raised themselves level with the door and fixated on nothing in particular.

"If you can still... hear me, are you at peace? Or will you be soon?"

He paused. The only sound in the hallway for a while was his slow, even breathing.

"Hey, can I ask you something? Tell me, was there another solution - another way for you to break free? I guess what I'm really asking is... what could I have done differently to save you?"

A part of him believed he would receive an answer, but only a part. He knew he likely never would.

"I ask 'cause I wanna hear your voice again. I already miss you... I've always wanted you to be at my side and never leave it from the day I met you. Even when we'd get into fights, it wouldn't be long before I'd give in and say anything to just make up and hold you in my arms. I know you usually felt the same, but that's not happening again now is it?"

He chuckled softly in spite of it all and his lips pulled themselves into a weak, forced smile.

"Heh, you remember the time dad brought home the big candy basket? How we fought over all those stupid 'lil treats? I remember you saving your stash for ages after mine was all gone and..."

He reminisced, going on and on about memories of the past. It didn't matter if they were good memories or bad ones, they were memories - and that was all that he had left to hang on to. Story after story tumbled from between his lips, and after he recounted more than he could remember he fell quiet again.

"I wish you didn't have to go." He began, his voice losing its brighter edge. "I wish I wasn't such a fuck up. You _know _I've never been good with handling feelings and all that gooey stuff: I always went to you when the times were tough and you _always _had the answer. I'm just sorry I didn't have one for you... I'm so sorry..."

Pushing his back up against the opposite wall he slightly tilted his eyes upward.

"I'm not happy. I'm not gonna be the same no matter what, and you were wrong when you said I was held back by you. No, you were the one pushing me forward all this time, Tiri."

He began to chuckle softly as an old memory resurfaced in his mind. It was short, sweet and innocent - the kind of things he liked to remember about his past.

"_Hiya Liam! How was your day?"_

"_Not... not too good."_

"_Aww, again? Let's see, the last time you had a 'good day' was... was... um, I don't really remember, but I know you've had some!"_

"_Just, ugh, today really sucked Tiri. Adam kept chucking stuff at the back of my head all day - seriously, anything he could get his hands on. Paper scraps, eraserheads, even freakin' tater tots. WITH ketchup!"_

"_Throw stuff back, silly! It'd be like, a game!"_

"_That's what I did. And of course I'm the one that gets caught and sent to cranky Crechton's office. I think I'm just gonna stay home from now on. School sucks and it's just not fair."_

"_Hum... you need to go to school though. Mom and Dad won't let you stay home all the time y'know? Here, give me a hug."_

"_Mmm... maybe I should just go with you to the Pokémon Center every day now."_

"_I dunno, Nurse Joy might not let you. It'd be awesome if you could though, you can help me take care of the sick Pokémon and stuff. Read them stories, feed them, make sure they take their medicine instead of hide it. You know, that kinda stuff."_

"_Hey that might actually work! Can I really come along with you tomorrow?"_

"_Mmm, we can try. Nurse Joy says help is always appreciated, so I think it'd be alright."_

"_You're the best, Tiri! Tomorrow is gonna be great!"_

"Of course," mused Liam back in reality as he pulled his knees close to his chest, "that didn't work out all that well. But it let me miss the first part of school. It meant I could spend more time with you."

He took recycled several hot breaths of air against the fabric of his jeans before lifting his chin to stare at the door. All that separated him from her was a few centimeters of wood. A few solid kicks and 'bam'! It'd all come crashing down and he'd be able to stop her. A chilling thought, more a dose of reality, popped up in his mind then.

"_What if she's already gone?"_

He stood up slowly and pressed a hand to the door once he was on his feet. A part of him wanted to break the door off the hinges, but he feared what would be on the other side. If she was still alive, he'd be forced back out minus a shield for his eyes when the knife made its fatal plunge. But if she were already gone...

"_I don't know if I could keep myself from joining her..."_

His hand slowly clenched into a fist against the door as the war raged on in his mind. Logic, reason, emotion: innumerable fragmented thoughts were strewn out on the battlefield, but how to arrange them? What unknown formation would give him the answer he needed?

"I dunno what to think, what to say... I wish you would talk to me, if... if you're still there. If not, I-" he said, the last few words twisting like a cork into his throat.

"I don't know if you're here or 'there'. But I'm going to pretend, ahh, no, _believe _for just one more night that my words can still reach you."

He swallowed dryly in preparation for the hardest words he would ever speak.

"The past few months of our lives have been so painful. When I think of you I don't think of what life is now, but what it was. I think of what was good before it all changed, and that keeps me standing. But one thing that hasn't changed is how I feel about you. Maybe you think you're worthless, that you're a plague on the planet - but I've never believed that. And yeah, I know I sound sappy as shit right now but..."

"_What am I doing?" _he thought to himself. _"She's probably already gone."_ Without quite understanding why, he continued.

"I don't want you to go. I would never want you to go. When I saw what you took from the kitchen earlier," he said, pressing a free hand to his turning stomach, "I felt myself break up inside. The thought of losing you scares me so much because you a part of who I am. I will never be the same without you, and in a sense you'd be cutting me to pieces too if you turn your paw against yourself."

His ears strained to hear beyond the door seeking any indication that something was still alive in that room.

"I know you don't want to go on anymore, and I'd give anything to hold you in my arms until the sun rises. Anything to know you'll be alright." Now both palms were against the door and his forehead rested against it as well.

"But that's the thing isn't it? All that I'm saying... _It's only what I want." _He sniffled a few times as a change came over him.

"When you told me you wanted to die, I started to think about what you wanted. You want the pain, and oh Arceus I can only imagine how horrible it is, to go away. You want to find peace the only way you think you can, and please... understand this is the hardest thing I will ever say..."

Tears that were welling without his notice now blurred his vision and dropped to the carpet below.

"I accept that. I accept your choice," he coaxed out of himself before sobs began to rack his body and eat away at what resolve he had left.

"I'm not happy. I don't like your decision, I hate it. But I've come to realize that you aren't selfish for wanting to die. More of it's me that's being selfish... denying you release so that _I, _not you, can keep feeling alright... But I'm not going to be selfish. I won't hold you back from finding happiness that you deserve."

An anguished moan escaped his lungs then as the last of his will evaporated away.

"Auuugh... I'm going to miss you so much... If this is really what you want, your heart's desire, then go! Go... and please, please never think I wanted you to go. I only ever wanted the best for you, and I'm sorry I failed you. I couldn't save you and I'm sorry. If your happiness comes at my sorrow, then fine, fine. I'll suffer. I deserve it."

He slumped to the ground once more and rested his forearms upon his knees. It didn't matter anymore that he was crying, he needed the release and let its expression consume him whole. He wept on bitterly for a long time, wiping his eyes and nose on his sleeves. Nothing mattered anymore. He felt he could own the world, have all the things he could only dream of, and walk away miserable because he would never have the one thing he needed: _her._ What point was there to an existence without love? None at all.

When his tears finally subsided and his shoulders stopped shaking, he swept the shards of his heart together to birth one last utterance.

"_I love you too, Tirian..."_

With a heavy conscience, he stood himself up. Turning around he grabbed the knob to his room and opened the door. After taking staggered steps inside, he turned around once more to look at the door that held Tirian from him.

"Goodnight, my love..." he whispered, slowly closing his own door.

And with that, it was over. He sat himself down on his bed feeling completely drained and ready to lose himself to sleep. If that was even possible. He lay down atop his blankets, closed his eyes, and let his mind wander away. Some time later he ceased to hear the ambience of the hours before dawn, and a little after that was was barely even aware of the world around him. Sleep soon claimed his weary heart, but it was not blissful. He would toss and turn often, mumble fearfully in his sleep - no longer burdened by thought, he traded in his sorrows for torturous dreams. He did not sleep soundly, but that did not matter as he did not sleep long.

The soft creak of a door opening brought him back.


End file.
